Whilst all the other gathered media were restricted to just the green carpet at the IIFA’s (yes green !! to promote the problem of global warming), Arun was granted a Access All Areas pass to give you the real lowdown on the “Bollywood Oscars”. So here is Arun’s Alternative IIFA Awards. "Best Midriff and Best Performance" Award Winner: Bipasha Basu. She looked fabulous in a red dress with a midriff cutout and her performance on stage was just Purrr-fect. Hottest Place To Be After The Awards Joint Winners: Oulton Hall: Security was tighter than a pair of 32 inch waisted trousers on Adnan Sami but once inside it was evident why. Moet Champagne flowed by the bucketful and a lavish buffet was laid out for all to feast on. Stars in attendance included the new Rat Pack of Bipasha Basu, Dino Morea, Saif Ali Khan and Preity Zinta Salman Khan’s hotel room. Salman kept up his reputation of throwing great parties in the Queens Hotel. “Taking Advantage Of Your New Found Fame” Award Winner: Shilpa Shetty. The Stars couldn’t wait to get back to London and Shilpa took full advantage of her international clout by having a private jet whisk her back to the English Capital. “Lesser Mortals” such as Hrithik Roshan and our very own Arun had to make do on the train. "Biggest Blobby" Award Winner: Rishi Kapoor. With his huge pot belly they should remake the song from “Bobby” to Hum Tum Ek “Fridge” Mein Band Ho. Desihits spotted a “first to arrive” Rishi Uncle knocking back the whiskeys at the after party alongside Raj Kapoor complaining “where is everyone”. “Indian Hugh Hefner” Award Winner: Kabir Bedi. This guy should bottle his sex appeal and sell it. He hasn’t had a hit in ages and is as old as the tree in your back garden but everyone was just mesmerised by him at the after party. It must be those green eyes and Barry White voice. Answers on a postcard to MrBediIsTheUltimatePlayboy@desihits.com Biggest Cheer Award Joint Winners – Upen Patel. The UK lad’s speech of “this is just the beginning” as he collected the best newcomer award had the crowd trying their utmost to blow the ceiling off the arena. Desihits has learnt that the future may not be as rosey for the Brit boy as whispers suggest that big name directors may have to pass on casting him due to his accent. Dharmendra – as he picked up his lifetime achievement award. About time we think. Most “Cheers” AKA the Biggest Drinker award Winner: Bobby Deol, walking around the after party with what looked like a pint of water but clearly wasn’t judging by his eyes. The “We Went To The Same Barbers“ Award Winners: Aftab Shivdasani and Akshay Kumar, for their matching “army regulation” crew cuts. They looked rugged and had ladies swooning over them so maybe we should all go to their barbers. At least it’s a break from seeing the same old goody two shoes slick hairstyles. Will it kick start trend amongst Bollywoods Leading men??? “Why Haven’t You Proposed Yet” Award Winner: John Abraham. With Bipasha looking so tasty during her entry and her performance we just cant understand why John hasn't got his act together and realised he needs to lock this gem down. The “Missing Celebrity” Award Winner: Shah Rukh Khan, who used the excuse that it was his kids holidays that stopped him venturing over to the UK. Lets sort this feud out in a real mans way by getting him and Mr Bachan in the ring to slug it out !!!! “Im Going To Get My Clevage Pixelated On Indian TV” Award Winner: Kangana Ranaut who won the Best Female Newcomer category was very risqué for a Bollywood actress but in all honesty pretty conservative for her Hollywood counterparts. We cant wait to see to see her pixalated chest on TV Best Legs Award Winner: Diya Mirza. Unfortunately Diya came fashionably late so the rest of the press missed out on seeing her fabulous pins but we were lucky enough to take a peak at them backstage….yummy. “From Dumpy to Wow” award Winner: Preity Zinta, who’s gone from Moon Face to being toned and slender. Unfortunately the cold night air took its toil at the after party as she was forced to cover up by donning her boyfriend’s suit jacket. "Lend Us Your Car" Award Winner: Salman Khan, who had to ask Brit Rappers “Metz and Trix” to lend him their BMW X3 for his stage entry. "Best Entry" Award Winner: Amitabh Bachchan. The Big B made an entry in a vintage car. Very suave Mr Bachchan "I Don’t Know My Routine" Award Winner: Saif Ali Khan. It looked like he’d spent a lot of time down the gym but maybe he should have hit the dance studio just as frequently. Roll on IIFA's 2008 !!!!!!!